Monday, July 9, 2012

the traffic diaries

This is what I stare at for about an hour and a half every day:

It's not ideal, but you guys are going to benefit. You know how most people get their great ideas in the shower? I have my best moments in the car, while listening to terrible pop songs and singing at the top of my lungs (if you're on 394W between 5 and 6 pm, that was probably me jamming to One Direction). 

Just to prep you for what you can expect on this blog now that I have a ridiculous commute, here are some musings from a recent 3.5 hour road trip. Yes, I did record my thoughts. Literally. With my phone. If you don't want to be my friend anymore, I understand.


0:00 The first thing I do when I get in my car is check at least three times to make sure there is no recording device in my car. A comeback of the VH1 show "Motormouth" (where a hidden camera is placed in someone's car to catch them singing)  is a constant fear of mine. 

0:15 I pass one of those giant trucks carrying hundreds of logs.  Hasn't the log transportation industry seen the first scene in Final Destination 2? WHY haven't they figured out a better way to transport logs??

0:30 Jay Z needs to write a follow up to "99 Problems" because I am really concerned about whether or not the canines came and found drugs in his locked trunk. From his tone it sounds like he DID have drugs in the back of his car. But Jay Z is a smart guy! He should know he shouldn't carry drugs around! I mean, what would Beyonce think? What would Blue Ivy think? On that note, how do rappers explain half the stuff they rap about to their children?

0:45 There's a line in a Taylor Swift song that says there is nothing I do better than revenge. I don't know if I believe that. Like, what would revenge from Taylor Swift look like? Replacing my puppy with an even cuter puppy? Mwahahaha. You really got me that time, T Swizzle. 

1:00 Hey look, a hitchhiker. Do hitchhikers' thumbs get tired? I'm going to stick my thumb up and see how long I can hold it before it gets tired.

1:15 A string of Glee songs just came on, and I was able to partake in my favorite solo road trip activity: identifying which member of an ensemble is singing. This game also works well with boy bands and sibling duets (the Duffs, the Simpsons).

1:30 I just sounded JUST like Rachel Berry in my head.

2:00 In my early mid twenties when "Tik Tok" by Kesha came on I got excited for a night out of fun and debauchery with friends. Now, in my late mid twenties, it makes me excited to go dance by myself to Just Dance for Wii. 

2:15 CRAP. I forgot to hold my thumb pose.

2:30 When I hear Nicki Minaj, I picture her crazy curvy body, her ridiculous clothes... and Sophia Grace's head. Do you think that's what Sophia Grace's parents wanted?

3:00 My second favorite solo road trip game is trying to perfect my rapping skills. The current song of choice is "N*ggas in Paris", and I've replayed the first 30 seconds about 25 times so far, trying to learn Jay Z's part (his raps are much more difficult to learn than Kanye's -I know this from experience). It occurred to me that I should invent some kind of contraption that will project the lyrics to whatever song I'm listening to while driving, on the sky in front of me, similar to Panem projecting the dead tributes' heads during the Hunger Games. Why doesn't this exist??

3:15 Just passed a DeLorean. This car has been sitting on the side of this highway without moving for approximately 6 years.  Each time I pass it, my mind starts to wander. Of course I wonder what would happen if I went back in time and intercepted my parents' first date, and they married other people, and they had other children. I wonder if these other children would know things like exactly which N Sync member is singing at every moment in every song. Probably not. We can't all be perfect.


  1. I'm TERRIFIED of Motormouth's impending revival too! I sing way too loudly and animatedly to be caught on film!

  2. Ok as bad as I feel for you having to go through that every day, I really did enjoy your thoughts! The Nicki Minaj thought is hilarious. Her parents probably weren't going for that (at least I hope not!), but I totally see it.

  3. The talk of the legal blog world last week was about one of the very issues you pondered! A law professor just wrote a ridiculous article about the actual legal implications of the searches and seizures that Jay-Z raps about in 99 Problems.

  4. You should stick a recording device in your car and then you'll be able to vouch for your singing skills that sound like Rachel Berry!