Tuesday, September 4, 2012

this is residency: carrying leeches in my purse

When Y started residency, I committed to a few things: keeping the house clean so he wouldn't feel stressed the precious moments he was at home (failed), having dinner waiting for him after a long day (failed), and carrying around leeches in my purse (succeeded!).

After he realized that hanging out with Ike and me wasn't relaxing enough -- I beg to differ, the soothing high-pitched tones of WHOSTHECUTESTPUPPYINTHEWORLD are quite relaxing -- Y decided he needed a hobby. He picked fishing. Ike and I were not invited.

When a resident decides on a Sunday evening that he wants to go fishing on his next day off (in this case, a Wednesday), he has to plan carefully. On Tuesday, he had a 1 hour window of opportunity when he got off work before every other business closed for the day. In that sliver of time, he bought a fishing pole and whatever other accessories fishing requires -- except for bait. 

That was when he turned to me with resident eyes (which are similar to puppy dog eyes except that I don't have to pick gunk out of them).

"Will you pick up bait tomorrow on your lunch break?"

Sure, I said. This is how I imagined the errand would go: I would buy a can of worms (what other container was I supposed to assume worms come in?), throw it in my car and head back to work.

It was more difficult than that.

There happens to be a bait store not far from my work. When I told the cashier where Y would be fishing, he nodded knowingly. "You need leeches." 

Just the word leeches made me want to vomit, but I managed to keep it together and accept the two most disgusting plastic tupperware containers to ever exist. As I walked out, I was reminded to keep the containers refrigerated or their contents would "turn to mush".

I gagged silently. 

So much for forgetting about the bait in my car. I started hatching a plan to secretly store leeches in my work refrigerator. Luckily, the cashier at the bait store had put my disgusting purchase in a white paper bag that looked a lot like a lunch.

(Speaking of lunch, I needed to pick mine up. Which involved leaving my car in the hot sun for several minutes. Terrified of leech mush, I reluctantly put the white bag of disgust in my purse while I ran into the grocery store, sneaking a peek every few seconds, and gagging as I felt everything slosh around in my purse. I'm positive I looked like a shoplifter with morning sickness.)

When I got back to work, my heart was pounding as I prepared to act on my top secret mission. I didn't know if leeches smelled. If they could escape from their tupperware. If they made noise. I had only been working at my job for a few weeks, and I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask the forward question Can I store leeches in the refrigerator?

I stuffed my little pets into the back of the fridge, behind a 2 year old jar of peanut butter, and proceeded to check on them every 15 minutes. On check-in number, oh I don't know, 12 I noticed that the bottom of my white bag was soaked through. 

THE LEECHES HAVE OPENED THE TUPPERWARE, I instantly thought. I peeked into the bag and, for the first time, actually looked at the leeches (which were still safe in their plastic container).

And that was how I found myself, on my 15th day of work, sitting on the communal kitchen floor, gagging and wondering what my life was coming to.

PS. Y has been fishing for several weeks, and the only thing he's caught is this old fishing pole.

PPS. I went fishing once, for an hour, and caught 20 fish.


  1. Um, it appears you SHOULD be invited! Though it is kind of a cute resident hobby. And you are a seriously dedicated wife... I'll stick to attempting to keep the house clean :)

  2. wow, pretty sure if the nice fishing-expert man would have told me I needed leeches I would have walked out then and there and told my hubby that he would have to go and get them himself. I'm nominating you for wife of the year award.

  3. Um, that's gross. But I'm impressed! My resident hubby also NEVER catches anything when he goes fishing with his Dad and brothers. I kind of think it's more about the unwinding/bonding time than actually catching anything!

  4. Ha, I'm gagging on this end too! Leech juice in the fridge.....And seriously, my husband just said the other day that he wanted a fishing pole. I've known him for seven years, and I've never once seen him fish!

  5. ew. ew. ew. But at the same time, hilarious. You should definitely be invited on Y's fishing trips. You might bring him some good luck. :)